Jeremy; A true soldier

the fight

The illness was getting worse. The different medications were not working. Jerry stopped answering his phone or texting. I remember falling on my knees in prayer. I pleaded with God to help my child. I asked Him to show Jerry some light in the darkness, calm the storm that was raging in his mind. Other family members were also praying for Jerry who was now on his third antidepressant. The other two had not helped. As parents we can give love and security, we can nurture, we can guide (or try to) and we can pass on our values, both consciously and unconsciously to our children. I love both my children very much. I loved and still love Jerry. So, so very much. But this  wasn’t enough to immunize him against mental illness, nor was it enough to immunize him against what society tells us is failure and success. The last time I saw Jerry, we were at the parking lot of his school. He promised he will keep fighting. We held hands and prayed. I remember reverently asking God to give him peace and  watch over him. We hugged and said our "I love you" and goodbyes. This was on October 1st .The last time I saw my son alive.

the pyrrhic victory

Each one of us, probably, has a final breaking point–or would have if our faith did not sustain us. All of us have moments when we lost control of ourselves, flashes of temper or irritation, of selfishness that we later regret. Life puts more pressure on some of us than it does on others. Some people have more stamina than others. For Jerry, dark despair had rolled over his lonely soul, so much so that for him life seemed unendurable. On October 25th, I remember falling on my knees again. This time with disbelief and shock. Jerry was gone. My world had completely stopped, but at the same time, it was spinning wildly around me. I couldn't stop sobbing. The sound coming from me was like an animal. One I had never had before. Why Jerry? What were you thinking?  I believe Jerry was was not thinking clearly in his final moments; perhaps he was so driven by emotional whirlwinds that he was incapable of thinking at all.

Jerry died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war. He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his casket was real to us. They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance. They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and strength. At last these adversaries overwhelmed him. And it appeared that he lost the war. But did he? I see a host of victories that he has won!

For one thing, he has won our admiration. Even if he lost the war, we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield. And we give him credit for the courage and pride and hope that he used as his weapons as long as he could. We shall remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindnesses and thoughtfulness, through his love for God,  family and friends, for books and music, for all things beautiful, lovely and honorable. We shall remember the many days that he was victorious over overwhelming odds. We shall remember not the years we thought he had left, but the intensity with which he lived the years he had .He will never be forgotten

aftermath,healing and coping

It has been exactly one year since we laid Jerry to rest. Jerry had a beautiful funeral on November 12th 2022. I am glad I am able to use the word "rest" after his long fight with mental illness, The support we received from family and friends was overwhelming.  Some of my friends didn't know what to say, so they stayed away. Others tried to find the right words and said something hurtful without meaning to. Some researched the right things to say to someone in our situation. Some sent cards, e-mails, flowers and encouraging messages months later, and I am grateful they had not forgotten our loss and pain. Some prayed with me over the phone and still do. Others have moved on. Life continues Jerry is just another sad event that happened. Some of my friends, family, and coworkers want me to get over it and move on. My grief makes some uncomfortable. Our family is slowly healing. The progress is subtle but it is progress. I have given myself deadlines for feeling better. After the holidays. After Jerry's first birthday that he is not here. After the first anniversary of his death. But I won’t get over it. Grief does not have a timeline. I have to say that my faith in God is renewed. Only God knows what His child Jerry suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But my consolation is that God does know and understands.

Our family has changed, I have changed. I don't enjoy socializing as I once did. I turn down invitations that I would have once happily accepted.  Things will get better, but it will take time and effort. Our family suffered an unfathomable loss. I cannot turn back time, do it over, do it differently. Each of these is a loss. Mourning these losses is the essence of grief.

During difficult times. the hope of eternity gives me strength. I thank God that he has provided an eternal home where death sorrow crying, pain-all "the former things"- will have "passed away" forever (Revelation 21:4) That promise sustains me now. When we view today through the grid of eternity, the sting of grief is dulled by His power and love. Consistently meditating on God's redemption and our secure future in heaven has the power set me free when grief is holding me back 

We miss our Jerry. Unseen, unheard, But he is always near. Still loved so very much.